"He could be a genius"

Check out this unintentionally hilarious article on chimps' ability to plan ahead:



I quote:
A canny chimpanzee who calmly collected a stash of rocks and then hurled them at zoo visitors in fits of rage has confirmed that apes can plan ahead just like humans, a Swedish study said Monday. Santino the chimpanzee's anti-social behavior stunned both visitors and keepers at the Furuvik Zoo but fascinated researchers because it was so carefully prepared.

...The 31-year-old alpha male started building his weapons cache in the morning before the zoo opened, collecting rocks and knocking out disks from concrete boulders inside his enclosure. He waited until around midday before he unleashed a "hailstorm" of rocks against visitors, the study said.

...individual differences are big among chimpanzees so the observation might not mean all chimpanzees are capable of the same planning.

"It could be that he is a genius, only more research will tell."

For a while, zoo keepers tried locking Santino up in the morning so he couldn't collect ammunition for his assaults, but he remained aggressive. They ultimately decided to castrate him.

"It is normal behavior for alpha males to want to influence their surroundings ... It is extremely frustrating for him that there are people out of his reach who are pointing at him and laughing," Osvath said. "It cannot be good to be so furious all the time."

Not sure if Santino the chimp is actually a genius if all he accomplished was getting his balls hacked off.

The Opposite Problem

The grass is always greener. I can only dream of losing hair. Instead more hair appears each day. Hair in my ears, hair in my nose... I found a mutant nipple hair the other day that was longer than Ron Jeremy's schlong and thick enough to be used as a leash string.

By age 50 Ryan may be pulling a Kelly Slater, but I'll look like this:

At least I'm still surfing at 50...

Tahoe Update

The Orphans Forum crew are having their annual leadership retreat in Tahoe.
Former Forum regular Makoto Agnoli was kind enough to host us in the Alpine Cabin.

Makoto's also been documenting the weekend, but now that he's no longer a contributor I've been forced to shamelessly leverage his content.

So instead of 75 photos and 2 incoherent sentences, you get the following, pulled from the Agnoli Posterous:

Hollow Victory?

Hey Y'all.
For those of you who don't know, corporate drone Makoto has conceded in our battle for supremacy. He left this note in the comments last night:

"huh, since when did this become lewis' blog?
its kind of fucked, i've lost control of my content.
I've decided to stop contributing, you guys can catch me on the one and only, original, not to be duplicated, not to be copied.
http://agnoli.posterous.com
later"

This brings up some good points. Does absolute power corrupt absolutely? Was I doomed to become a megalomaniacal despot from the moment I registered this blog, therefore seizing sole admin privileges? Or did I create this blog with Ryan and Avery standing by because I am a megalomaniac?

The Orphans Forum is all about community. I think of myself as that creepy guy who runs the AA meeting, not some tyrant. (Speaking of which: New members have to share eventually. Todd, we haven't heard from you yet. Dave - ditto. The group is here to support you.)

Anyway, I'm feeling a little bit guilty about casting brother Makoto out. Was I too harsh on him? Did the power go to my head? Who is going to provide us with irrelevant techno information now? Who is going to be our unfiltered, socially inappropriate, Moth Collector? Who will regale us with stories about what the 80s were like?

I feel a void already. If Makoto won't come back to us, we must nominate a replacement. Will this guy do?

War Escalates; Makoto Barred

Things have turned violent in the fight for supremacy between Corporate Drones and Surf Orphans.

After much internal debate amongst high-ranking Orphans Forum officials, Giovanni Makoto Agnoli has had his account temporarily suspended. Simply put, the only unforgivable sin is to be boring. Makoto's post below crossed the line in terms of humorless office nonsense. If he'd at least used some six-sigma terminology;phrases like "value-add" "low-hanging fruit" or "synergize our efforts" I might have let it slide as ironic.

To detail the reasons for this barring more completely, Makoto has his own Blog at http://agnoli.posterous.com/

Makoto has never actually written or posted anything specifically for Orphans Forum - instead he simply checked a box and all his Posterous posts are forwarded to Orphans Forum. We don't mind the pictures of old people. What sucks is that everyone else is embracing the concept of a group blog - we're writing our posts with our Orphan audience in mind, and in response to what everyone else is posting on the blog. That's what we envisioned for this site - a reply-all vibe amongst friends.

I've placed another poll in the sidebar. It's up to you to strive for peace and vote Corporate Drone Makoto back in... or not.

This is Getting Ridiculous

Just finished my 7th session of the HypeSwell at still-grunting, hucking outer bars.
This run of surf has pushed my body and my ever-patient significant other to the limit, but emotionally I'm feeling quite good right now, thank you.

I'm now sponsored by Advil due to the fact I've been surfing for hours a day, obsessively, since Thanksgiving (or 1991 depending upon who you talk to).

It's hard to stay away when you rock up in the morning and it looks like this:


Did a bit of GoPro photo-whoring on what was supposed to be the "worst" day of the swell and got a few hook-ups. The wide-angle causes Costanza-style shrinkage to the waves, but the light was cool at least.




I also got my first-ever non-nepotism induced surf shot published, as SurferMag ran Adam Warmington's unidentified shot of me on "my" trusty 7'8".

Maybe Advil will send a photo incentive?

Progression Acheived

Big News Y'all.

After years of being known for my straight-ahead surfing (like literally straight ahead, I don't really do that many turns) I've finally broken through to a new level of ultra-radical performance.

Yesterday I pulled off a sick barrel roll at Taraval in that juicy, ludicrously over-hyped west swell.

Some of you might doubt the veracity of this claim. Luckily, I have a photo to prove I'm on the level (or totally not on the level, as I'm upside down in the tube instead!)

I had the camera mounted mid-board for this shot, with the lens pointed out, so I'm standing behind the camera. I've found it's easier to complete standing barrel rolls using a narrow stance with your weight on the tail.

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against? I have.

Our flawed culture usually reserves its prejudices for minorities, leaving me relatively unscathed by hate.

Not anymore, for I am now part of a small, proud minority group: Men with Mullets.

Over the past weekend, I experienced two blatant moments of prejudice due to my choice(?) of haircut.

1) While at a party on Friday night, a drunk woman from Montana gregariously introduced herself to the men standing on each side of me, but refused to shake hands, speak, or even make eye contact with me. Occasionally she stole a sideways glimpse at my luxurious mane, and then quickly looked away in disgust. (Note: This is the only thing about my mullet my girlfriend approves of.)

2) While checking the surf at Pacheco this morning at 7:30am, a large white truck sped by with a young white male at the wheel. Driving approximately 50 miles an hour, he took the time to scream in pure hatred, at the top of his lungs, "Mullllllet!!!!" as he drove by.

For what it's worth, I visited Bolinas last night, and the gentle and accepting townfolk repeatedly approached me to comment on how much they liked my mullet, and how I "Wore it Well." Apparently my liberal enclave of origin is more accepting than SF... or perhaps I was moments away from being beaten with skateboards and knifed by meth-fueled teens?

Real Musical Talent

The other night our own non-Denver-livin', non-Christian-rockin' Ryan Cline played a set at the Rite Spot, opening for Hangtown and The Prairie Dogs.

For some strange reason, Ryan asked me to play a bit o' electric lead on one of his self-penned songs. It was an interesting experience that took me out of my comfort zone (as most of you know, my comfort zone is a very cozy well-decorated 3BR2BA with a strong, strong foundation and I very rarely venture out of it.)

My emotions ran along a standard deviation graph - before I played I felt like I had no business being there, as we started playing Ryan's song I felt like a hack, I sorta pulled it together late in the song,started having fun, and afterward felt like despite mostly sucking, perhaps with a lot of practice I could improve enough to play gigs and isn't this a fun and exciting change and blah blah...

Then the headliners started playing and pretty much bitch-slapped any delusions of grandeur that I was harboring. Their guitarist sounded like a bonafide professional musician - and when I commented on this fact Ryan told me that he was actually the drummer, just sitting in for the night on guitar. Mmmmm...

Anyway, speaking of being musically outclassed, check out this awesome video from the 80s. This is what real talent sounds, looks, and smells like.

Hot Rear End Action

Session 2 with the GoPro tailmount yielded some passable results.
My surfing strategies have evolved into a peculiar eccentric mix these last few weeks with all my normal surf bros out of the game. For one thing, I've become one of those old creepy guys who wears a 5/4 and then drives home in his 5/4 to avoid exposing himself to the cold. I've also begun pouring a bit of my post-sesh hot water supply into my booties before I put them on. (Those of you who have smelled my booties in all their glorious funk know that the US Military is missing out on a strong legal torture alternative by not serving this bootie-water to detainees as a truth serum.)

The other big change to the routine has been my obsessive use of the board cam. In order to get tailmount shots I have to tread water holding my board, then tap the shutter on the tail when I see a good peak coming. Then I paddle like mad. I've found that I can eliminate a lot of spray-issues by pulling in with a higher line and then drifting down the face in the barrel with a more neutral line so less spray comes off the rail. I'm still seeking a good, clean hook up in a deep barrel.

This one comes close except for the spray issues (and my ass got in the way of the lipline... as usual.)




The next poll will be on whether I should be allowed to post GoPro shots anymore.

Is it Cold Where You Dream?

Ones and zeroes. A date with binary implications - 1/01, a date approached with too few hours of sleep, skies too gray, hands too cold.

Another visit to the well at Puerto Ortega. Finding some workmanlike comfort in dutifully bottling moments, even though I know I'm the only one who will enjoy the results. Fitting enough - I've always been unapologetic when it comes to my selfish side.

In the end we do what we want to do.

Second session: light is better, tide is better, crowd lighter, the myth of warmth.

Gray goes to gold.

More results here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/19681447@N03/sets/72157612033559534/

Video! I feel so in touch with the younger generation... bloggin my first youtube vid. Sigh.

Yes, I know this is getting ridiculous and all these photos look the same.

About to Get a Mullet!

Very excited - ever patient Ange has finally agreed to my requests for a mullet!!!!
I've been growing it out for a long time now, waiting for the right moment.

We skyped with the NYC Orphans' Office this morning, and I asked Adrian (age 6) what type of mullet I should go for.

He replied with confidence "Asian Mullet!"

Here's the before pic:


Hoping to look like this handsome gent after:

Water Wars

Welcome to yet another installment of Water Wars, in which we all post photos of liquid each day.
I decided to point the camera away from myself today and see what kind of results I got. The surf shots were pretty boring, but I got a couple cool empty wave shots while getting worked. With the wide angle lens, you have to be VERY close to a wave to get the shot, so most of these I took on the head.
And if you're thinking I have too much time on my hands... you're probably right.